Seriously, it had to happen

23 02 2016

I grew totally bored with food prep.

Well, maybe not totally.  I find myself looking at meals and figuring out how to freeze it, or if it’ll make enough for lunches also.  But I’m bored with taking pictures and reporting on it.  Some weeks I do really well with food prep, and some weeks I can’t be bothered to peel a cucumber.

It all seems to work out.

I have been trying to eat healthier, but there are times when my old eating habits rear their very ugly heads.  Like not eating a vegetable for days on end.  Eating too much sugar. Telling myself that food is good or bad.  Eating late at night because I’m bored or lonely.  Eating as the ultimate “fuck you” to the universe.

Last year, I did a 12 week clinic for metabolic syndrome, which I have.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, it’s excess body fat stored in the abdomen, high triglycerides and cholesterol, high blood pressure, and a high A1C. If you have three of the five, you are considered to have metabolic syndrome.  At one point, I had all five.  I learned a lot of good things during the 12 week clinic, lost 15 pounds, and lowered my blood sugar and A1C to almost normal.

Since then, I’ve not lost any more weight, nor have I kept up my healthier habits.  I’ve had all the excuses:  it’s too cold, it’s too hot, I’ll do it Monday, I can’t do it, I don’t want to do it, it doesn’t make any difference, I like sugar dammit.  Although I haven’t hit the rock bottom that I did last year, I have finally gotten pretty frustrated with myself and am working on turning this around.

Of course as soon as I made this promise to myself, my work got horrendously busy.  This is the busiest week in a long stretch of busy weeks.  I had a monitor on Monday and a study visit for a new study, which always takes longer the first time you do it.  I had a 10 hour study visit today, and I’ll have another one tomorrow.  Thursday I have a monitor who will look over all the stuff I did on Monday, and Friday I’ll have at least one study visit in the middle of what looks like a pretty busy clinic.

But this week things are going so much better.  Why?  Because I’m keeping my promise to myself, and packing my lunch each day.  And I’m eating my fruits and veggies.  I’ve been keeping track of my food on MyFitnessPal, which alone is a triumph for a recovering disordered eating person.  And today, I did my health screening and found that my blood pressure is completely normal for the first time in years (with bp meds, but still), my blood sugar is within normal, and I’m just four pounds away from meeting the BMI criteria that will reduce my health insurance premiums.  These are all wonderful things.

The biggest reason why I am changing my habits, though, is because I am tired yet again of my own hypocrisy.  I work all the time with people who have to follow many prescribed treatments for their health.  They are asked to eat a specific diet, and they are followed in clinic quarterly.  They are asked to do hours of treatments a day for their lungs, and to take handfuls of medications for their gut.  We seem to keep adding things for them to do.   I’m doing that every time I invite them into a study, adding to their list of things they need to do for their health.  And yet, while I am working with them, I am secretly judging myself for the choices I am making.  I reflect on how I am not walking the walk although I talk the talk.  And I haven’t kept my promise to myself to be kind to myself, to accept my bumps and lumps and stretch marks, to see myself as beautiful as well as kind and smart, and to stand up straight with the promise of being comfortable in my own skin.

No more of that.

I will try to chronicle more of my journey on this blog, but every time I think I’ll be serious about it, I realize that my brain is mostly song lyrics and movie quotes.  Even now, I have a song flitting through my eardrums, singing about my self righteousness.  (System of a Down, Chop Suey, “why have you forsaken me?”)

Well, if I want to be semi awake tomorrow for all the blood draws, I should wrap this up.  Lunch is made, I’ll cycle laundry before I sleep, I know what I’m going to wear, and my gym bag is already in my car.  I skipped the gym today, but tomorrow must go and do the circuit.

Good night, friends.

 

 

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